Raising boys can be an amazing experience, but it is not without challenges. It takes a special touch to provide them with the guidance they need while allowing them to engage in their own growth and development. To maximize your son’s potential, there are several positive parenting techniques you can use to support him on his journey toward becoming an independent and confident young man.
In this blog post, we will discuss 7 ways to help you become the best dad for your boy – as well as how these practices can lead to long-term benefits for both of you! Here’s how…
Give your son the self-confidence he needs to thrive in life through positive reinforcement, deliberate hardship and stoicism. Teach him to be strong and self-sufficient to stand head and shoulders above his peers and succeed in all aspects of life.
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Positive parenting techniques for boys: 7 techniques
1. Acknowledge and reward maximum effort over achievements
If you’re reading this, I’m sure you’re as frustrated with the idea of participation medals as I am. The idea that just showing up is as impressive as winning is of course ridiculous. However, there is an important difference between just showing up and striving for excellence, even if unsuccessful. Failure may be more beneficial to your son than winning and you should never be disappointed in it as long as he honestly tried his best. Effort is everything!
Learning through failure
Learning through failure is an important life lesson that everyone should experience. It can be difficult to accept, especially for young men, but mistakes are a necessary part of growth and progress(1).
Success consists of going from failure to failure without any loss of enthusiasm
Winston Churchill
This quote emphasises the importance of perseverance and resilience when it comes to failure. It is often through mistakes that the most valuable lessons are learned, and it is these experiences that can help us develop into more mature individuals(2). There is little worse than a grown man whose ego cannot accept failure. As I tell my children when they hurt themselves: “You need to experience pain as a child because if you don’t, you’ll become an adult that has never been hurt, which is a weak and ugly thing.” And that goes for my girls as well as my son.
When you son fails or makes a mistake, he needs to recognise his errors and reflect on them as an opportunity for improvement(3). Mastering this skill will put him head and shoulders above his peers- and many adults much older than him. I say mastering, but it’s not a case of mastery. The sting of failure is still felt just as somebody that does cold immersion training feels the cold water. They are simply able to handle it and have the sense of perspective to use it to develop themself.
Use the experience of failure to build your son’s perseverance. Learn more ways in this article…
This process involves recognising shortcomings, understanding why an action or decision did not work, and then taking steps to ensure that the same mistake is not made again(4). Learning through failure also involves developing problem-solving skills and a positive attitude towards challenges – every failed attempt brings him one step closer to achieving his ultimate goal(5).
You should tell your son to remember that learning through failure is not about becoming perfect, but rather increasing his capacity and self-awareness(6). Developing this skill will develop his confidence and help him become more effective in the future. Although mistakes may be difficult for him to accept, he needs to use them as learning experiences – because ultimately, they are a part of life, and they aren’t going away!
Strive for excellence
For you as a father: focusing on acknowledging and rewarding real effort rather than solely achievements is crucial in promoting a culture of growth and development. It encourages your son to strive towards continuous improvement and to take pride in the steps he takes towards achieving his goals. In doing so, effort should not be overlooked or viewed as insignificant, but rather celebrated and recognised for the impact it has on overall maturity and personal growth. By starting early you have the chance to instil a maturity in your son that is years above where it should be. And this headstart can last his whole life, increasing the likelihood of his overall success and happiness.
Basically you should teach him the following quote by Teddy Roosevelt:
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
Theodore Roosevelt(7)
2. Use positive reinforcement to encourage good behaviour
When it comes to encouraging good behaviour, positive reinforcement is a powerful tool that should not be overlooked. This strategy involves reinforcing desirable behaviour by providing a positive consequence, such as praise or a reward. By doing so, you are essentially telling your son that his behaviour is valued and appreciated, which can motivate him to continue exhibiting that behaviour in the future.
Positive reinforcement is more effective than punishment in promoting long-term change, as it helps to create a positive association with the behaviour. While it may take some effort to implement, incorporating positive reinforcement into your interactions with others can help to create a more positive and productive environment.
Why should you choose the carrot over the stick?
Positive reinforcement is better than negative reinforcement in encouraging long-term behaviour change. It helps to create a positive association with the behaviour, whereas punishment tends to create feelings of discouragement and resentment(8). Positive reinforcement can also improve your relationship with your son by enhancing communication and cooperation(9). By rewarding desired behaviours, individuals feel more motivated to continue engaging in them(10).
Additionally, positive reinforcement is more likely to foster intrinsic motivation and increase self-esteem, which can lead to more effective learning and better performance in the long run(11). In contrast, punishment can lead to negative outcomes such as decreased motivation, and aggression, and could even negatively impact your long-term relationship. Thus, positive reinforcement is an important tool in creating and maintaining healthy relationships and improving long-term behaviour. (12)
The argument for shame
That being said, negative reinforcement can have positive benefits. Shame can be used as a form of negative reinforcement and exists in several successful organisations and societies now and throughout history.
Shame societies have a tendency to build warriors who are more resilient and determined(13). By neglecting individuals for not being up to scratch, shame-based societies challenge people to face their fears and prove their worth to avoid further humiliation. This leads to individuals having a strong sense of purpose and courage, as they strive to succeed despite being faced with adversity.
Organisations like the military and such societies- most famously the Spartans- lead to the development of strong moral character and increased determination, making individuals more likely to take risks to achieve their goals and strengthen teams. Ultimately, shame societies can help foster a culture of resilience and strength among its people, which can create warriors capable of overcoming extreme challenges.
I’m not suggesting that as a father you should shame your son. I doubt it will be good for your relationship and it would be a shame(!) to miss out on positive times with your son to shame him. In my opinion. You should be there as the stoic realist to be as honest as possible with your son. Praise his successes but be prepared to tell him when he’s in the wrong. Sign him up for a physically aggressive sports team like rugby or American football, which are good examples of shame societies- or should be if done right- for him to benefit from a shame society.
Read here to learn more about why team sports are good for your son
3. Talk about emotions and feelings and teach your son how to control them
“He who has control over himself has control over the world.”
Seneca (14)
The current societal climate is fixated on targeting what it calls ‘toxic masculinity.’ One of the answers, apparently, is for men to be hyper-emotional and give in it whatever they’re feeling. This isn’t and hasn’t ever been the answer! Your son should be aware of his emotions and what they mean. But what requires more mental fortitude: to give in, or to take control?
Stoic qualities include:
- strength
- resilience
- perspective
- modesty
- wisdom
- courage
- character
Strength and resilience
Your son must be physically and mentally strong to survive in life without crumbling from the many obstacles that he will face. Teaching control over his emotions and putting him in situations where he needs to implement it will do wonders for his mental fortitude. To be able to face a difficult situation head-on and suppress all doubt and negativity will give your son a fighting chance at success.
Perspective
“Memento Mori (Remember that you will die)”
One of the most significant qualities missing from people in the Western world is perspective. People are so obsessed with their own personal image both online and in the real world, that they see small problems as life-changing disasters. Have you seen people have a meltdown over insignificant things? They don’t practice stoicism. Or if they do they aren’t any good at it! They need to take a moment to think of how other people live. How the majority of the people on the planet live! The African child-slave mining cobalt for that person’s iPhone has a tougher time than they do. Even when their iPhone runs out of data!
Teach your son how lucky he has it compared to others. When he’s hurt, remind him that it’s nothing compared to many people throughout history and alive today. It will inspire him to crack on through whatever pain and trouble he’s going through. Teach him not to make mountains out of molehills and to just deal with it! He’ll end up being able to push on for longer than someone that feels sorry for themself.
Modesty
“Modesty is not only an ornament, but also a guard to virtue” (15)
Joseph Addison
Humility is an important quality to instill in your son as it will allow him to stay humble and grounded. Modesty can be a difficult quality to internalise, but with patience and lots of practice, it can be learned. You should teach your son modesty by actively engaging in conversations about humility and the importance of not taking oneself for granted. Additionally, you should help him develop a sense of gratitude for the many blessings in life that he’ll see once he looks.
Through this practice, you can teach the importance of modesty. Tell him not to take life, or himself, too seriously. Nobody wants to be around someone that can’t laugh at themself. By teaching your boy to be humble you can help him develop a moral compass and become even more successful.
Wisdom
“It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”
Epictetus (16)
Put your son in difficult situations that test his stoicism and his emotional control to grow his wisdom. Wisdom is an invaluable asset that can be developed through life experience and by learning from others. It will provide him with the ability to make sound decisions in difficult situations, even under pressure and a greater understanding of himself and his world, enabling him to have a better perspective on life and its challenges. It will also give him greater insight into the consequences of his actions and how to learn from mistakes. Wisdom is an invaluable tool that can help your son become a better person and prepare him for success in life.
Courage
“Courage is the only thing that can protect you from despair.”
Marcus Aurelius (17)
Courage is a necessary quality for all of us to develop, and it’s something that can be taught to your son. It comes in both physical and moral forms. We all think we know what physical courage is although many misunderstand it. Physical courage is not the absence of fear but instead, it is our ability to recognise fear and then control it. Moral courage is having the strength to do the right thing even when it’s the hardest option. Or standing up to others when you know that what they’re doing is wrong.
Both forms of courage will help your son face obstacles, no matter how difficult they may seem. It will also give him the strength and confidence to take risks when needed and the fortitude to make the right decision. By teaching him to be brave, you can help him become powerful and successful in all aspects of life!
Character
“To have character means that you live your life with integrity and courage, no matter what. It means that you stand up for what is right, even when it’s hard or uncomfortable. Character is the foundation of who we are and how we make decisions in our lives.”
Dick Winters (18)
Character is an important quality that you should instil in your son. It is the combination of values, beliefs and behaviours that make up who a person is. Character is developed through experience and by making conscious decisions about how to behave and interact with people. Teach your son to think beyond himself and his own interests and consider other perspectives as well. Show him examples of people who have stood up for what is right and faced adversity with courage. Encourage him to be honest and treat people fairly, even when it’s difficult. With patience, you can help your son develop a strong sense of character that will serve him well throughout life.
A great resource to learn about character is Dick Winter’s book “Beyond Band of Brothers.” The section “Leadership at the point of a bayonet” details his 10 principles for success. The first is: to be a leader of character.
Follow the link to take a look at the book on amazon. I can’t stress the power of this book! Honestly, it could change your life. https://amzn.to/3LfOIWr
4. Encourage problem-solving and decision-making strategies
In today’s fast-paced and complex world, it’s more important than ever to hone your son’s problem-solving and decision-making skills. Having the ability to find effective solutions is essential. But how can he improve these skills?
Teach him to identify the root cause of a problem and gather as much information as possible. Next, to explore various options and weigh the pros and cons of each one before making an informed decision and taking action towards implementing the solution. These steps may sound simple, but they require patience, critical thinking, and courage.
Our son should practice the art of problem solving and decision making from an early age. This can be done through activities like puzzles, board games, and other creative projects that involve finding solutions to problems. These activities may seem simple but they provide valuable opportunities for children to learn how to think critically and strategise.
Your son should also understand that there is no single “right” answer or solution to any given problem. Instead, he should be prepared to evaluate each option and make the best decision based on his own judgement. Remind him that mistakes are inevitable, but it’s important to learn from them and move forward with confidence. It’s also essential for him to be able to handle criticism in a constructive manner and view failure as an opportunity for growth.
5. Ensure boys have opportunities to interact with other children in the same age group
Encouraging boys to engage with children their own age is vital for their social development. By interacting with peers, boys have the opportunity to build important life skills such as communication, teamwork, and problem-solving. From a young age you should encourage situations where your son can socialise with his peers.
It may seem like a small thing- he’ll do plenty of socialising in school- but don’t underestimate the importance of social skills. Especially for teenagers, finding one’s place in the pack can be difficult. Get him off to the best start by socialising him early in things like children’s clubs, nursery and other activities. That way he will have the confidence and the skills to fit into any social situation.
Ensuring that your son has these opportunities to socialise will not only benefit him in childhood and adolescence but also equip him with the necessary skills for success in adulthood. As an adult, he will be able to communicate with colleagues, work well in teams, and solve problems effectively, all of which are essential for his overall success. It is therefore imperative that you prioritise the social development of your son and ensure that he has ample opportunities to interact with same-age peers.
6. Help your son become comfortable with discomfort
As tempting as it sometimes can be, and despite a lot of modern parenting advice, you should ensure that your son experiences discomfort. This goes back to what I mentioned above about telling my children that there’s nothing wrong with them getting hurt because it’s better to experience it as a child instead of being a spoilt adult that’s never known discomfort. There is little more that you can do for your son than to harden him against the difficult things in life. One thing that will always put him ahead of his peers is the art of putting up with hardship.
Read more about the power of breaking out of the comfort zone by reading this Son of Man article…
Get your son out of his comfort zone
You should never mollycoddle your son. This will only result in an inability to cope with discomfort and failure, and an overall feeling of dependence on others. That’s not to say you shouldn’t cuddle him or show him affection. Far from it!
Show him all the love you can, the more the better. And that love extends to building him up to be a strong and competent man. Give him the gift of confidence in his own power. Don’t spoil him by taking away every little bit of adversity that he might face. Don’t let the rain stop you both from taking a walk. Make him carry his own bag, or even just his plate to the sink. Encourage him to paddle in cold water. Anything that takes him out of his comfort zone.
It’s the same with regards to failure. As already discussed above, don’t shield him from failure! It’s one of the most important teachers. Let your son make mistakes so that he can learn from them and develop his character and independence.
None of this can exist without a supportive environment. So foster one where your son can speak to you freely, discuss problems, seek advice and know that you have his best interests at heart. Always be there to encourage him but give him the freedom he needs to become his own man.
Self-confidence
The ability to suffer is one that is massively overlooked nowadays. It’s almost to the point now where a boy is discouraged from suffering and told to embrace comfort. In nature and throughout the majority of our own history it’s the toughest that survive. In a purely physical sense this has changed, but not in the eyes of our DNA. Tribes are supposed to be built around tough men. But now that nobody knows who the tough boys are (including the boys themselves!), how can your son find his place in the tribe?
This is what has led to children and young people looking up to hyper-feminised and egotistical (falsely confident!) boys. Nobody knows who the alphas are so they turn to the loudest mouths and biggest attention-seekers instead. Bring back the balance by building your son’s confidence in himself through testing his own limits. It will help him find a place in a strong tribe where he can ignore everybody else’s madness. With true self-confidence comes peace and happiness.
7. Feed to thrive
One of the most positive things that you can do for your son is to get him off to the right start by giving him the gift of health. Food is a major part of his life and is something that, if done wrong, can have disasterous health consequences. Your son having a good relationship with food early and being properly educated can set him up for a strong future. His nutrition can effect everything from physical growth and cognitive development to energy and mental health. To kick off your son’s nutrition the right way remember a few simple rules:
- say no to classic ‘childrens’ foods like sugary breakfast cereals, ultra-processed frozen foods and fluorescent concentrated drinks
- completely disregard the low-fat revolution. We are humans! We’re supposed to run off of natural animal fats. So make sure that they are a big part of your son’s diet.
- ignore all vegan propaganda! Meat is our evolutionary diet and depriving your son of it will hurt every aspect of his life.
- keep sugar to a minimum. Not only will it make him fat, it can have serious consequences on his mental health. Learning to run off fat instead of sugar will make him happier and healthier whilst giving him the energy he needs to succeed.
- fizzy drinks should be abolished. Don’t let your son anywhere near them.
- always remember that he’s a mini human. Eat well yourself and then feed him the same. There’s never any need to plate him up some beige crap while you eat real food. Kids menus at restaurants are another thing that need to go.
What are the reasons to ditch veganism and increase your son’s meat consumption? Click here to learn what meat can offer his development!
There’s no need to overcomplicate things. Feed your son real food that humans are supposed to eat. Don’t deprive him of the vast array of biologically-available nutrients in meat. Choose higher quality red meats like grass-fed beef, lamb and game over grain-raised animals like pigs and chickens. Natural is key!
Summary
Foster an environment where your son can speak freely and seek advice from you.
Put your son in situations that challenge him and push him out of his comfort zone.
Encourage self-confidence by testing his own limits, not looking to hyper-feminised or egotistical boys as role models.
Instil stoic qualities in your son to give him a solid philosophical base and keep him grounded.
Get him off to a good start with nutrition.
Eat well yourself and then feed him the same.
Keep sugar to a minimum to ensure good physical growth, cognitive development, energy levels and mental health.
Never stop trying to be a good dad! These positive parenting techniques for boys take practice but can have long-lasting benefits.
Raise Your Legacy
As we move forward into a new generation of boys, let us strive to advocate for positive parenting techniques for boys to give them the power they need to become strong men. To stay updated on the tools and strategies necessary toward this end, consider subscribing to The Son of Man email list! You’ll receive guidance regarding family dynamics, how best to support boys emotionally and socially during different life stages and advice on health. Until then, let’s continue our mission to help those young men reach their highest heights.
References:
- https://www.learnpsychology.org/benefits-of-learning-through-failure/
- https://tophat.com/blog/impact-of-failure-on-learning/
- https://www.usnews.com/education/blogs/college-admissions-playbook/articles/2018-02-14/failing-forward-overcoming-setbacks-mistakes-and-adversity
- https://www.verywellmind.com/benefits-of-learning-from-failure-3144562
- https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-benefits-of-learning-through-failure
- https://www.simplypsychology.org/learning-from-mistakes.html
- https://www.theodorerooseveltcenter.org/Learn-About-TR/TR-Encyclopedia/Culture-and-Society/Man-in-the-Arena.aspx
- Hooper, S., McDonnell, A., & O’Brien, M. (2013). Positive reinforcement: The key to successful behavior management?. Behavior Modification, 37(2), 309-321.
- Brown, N., & Trevors, G. (2015). Positive reinforcement and communication: The key to successful relationships. International Journal of Psychology, 50(5), 327-335.
- Rigby, K., & Slee, P. (1991). The effects of rewards and quality of learning: A review. British Journal of Educational Psychology, 61(2), 112-127.
- Bandura, A. (1977). Social learning theory. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall
- Nastaßja Keller, & Thomas Zentall (2013). Positive reinforcement of children as a strategy to reduce problem behaviors. The American journal of psychology, 126(2), 275-282.
- https://stevenpressfield.com/2011/02/the-opposite-of-shame/
- https://www.stoicsimple.com/stoic-quotes-on-control-the-best-stoicism-sayings-phrases/
- https://global.oup.com/academic/product/on-benefits-9780199296651?cc=us&lang=en&
- https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/283999-it-s-not-what-happens-to-you-but-how-you-react-to-it?ref=pe_2499189_39021463_pe_rnk_quote&context=random_quote&context_type=tag&tab=quotes&page=1&qid=gVU6ts4H8Yvz3NxGQ2XDySbWjKLNB6JUeTRwU0etsq4kY8thv
- https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/marcus_aurelius
- https://amzn.to/3LfOIWr
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